Should I Stay or Should I Go?
The decision to either stay in the relationship or leave after betrayal discovery is indeed a tough one. At first glance, it seems to make sense to run for the hills and save yourself any further hurt. This may, in fact, be the best option for some, but it is often a better choice to hold off on any major decisions until things settle down.
First and foremost is a self-check list that I believe is important to the process; it considers the betrayed partner’s needs first.
1. You must be safe. Many addicts and betrayers are not out to hurt anyone intentionally, but this check is imperative as any safety issues from excessive anger or acting out can be dangerous. Safety first.
2. Realize where your emotions are. Emotions rightfully run high at the beginning of the discovery/disclosure process and can intermittently spike throughout the recovery stages as well. Life changing decision making is not recommended during these times as they are not equitably balanced with intellectual decision making processes.
3. Consider the implications of waiting. Are things going to change that much if you wait a month, six-months or a couple years? Really difficult to answer, but there are signs along the journey that can help you make decisions based on more concrete evidence rather than conjecture…more on that in a minute*
4. Are you willing to work on yourself? This one usually gets me a bit of side-eye at first, but the reality is that there is residual pain from the trauma that will need to be dealt with to move on successfully whether you remain in the relationship or move on alone.
5. Plan A and Plan B. Once the emotions have settled down and certainly within the beginning stages of discovery/disclosure, creating detailed plans to either stay or go and what they both look like is a step in the direction of taking your power back and realizing that you do have control of your outcome.
6. Finances. This is a scary one for most people. We are used to living at a certain standard and the imagined or potential loss of that standard is enough to keep some partners from ever looking further ahead. Getting in touch with the reality of the situation can help to make a better decision about what you COULD do vs. what you are used to doing.
7. What’s best for the kids and/or family? I haven’t met a betrayed partner that hasn’t asked this question whether the children were babies or grown adults. I can't you what is best for your individual situation, but I can tell you with certainty that your children will feel your dynamic and will be affected by it in some way. This does not imply that leaving will save anyone any of the effects, but that it is something to deeply consider outside of the usual thought that removing them will automatically protect them from the hurt.
8. Today is today and tomorrow it may change. Remember that this list is going to be answered as you feel right now. Given time, your answers may and will probably change. Use this list not as a contract, but as a guide to engage your intellect along with your emotions in making decisions that will be based on reality, reason and confidence.
* the more…one of the most important and impactful phrases in partner recovery is “BELIEVE BEHAVIOR.” This is a great tool for gauging how the person responsible for the infidelity/betrayal is optimizing his/her recovery tools and if they are moving in the right direction.
In the beginning phases, betrayal has left the spouse knowing very little concrete information other than that they are married to someone who lies and in whom they can no longer trust. If the betrayer optimizes their recovery options, their behaviors will inevitably begin to change and many of those cannot be faked. They are changing core beliefs and ergo, many professionals believe, neuro-pathways.
I do not recommend that words are enough to trust until good recovery has had time to establish. Believing behaviors is a much more reliable and concrete marker.