Pre-Marital Coaching (Part 1)
Karen and Leon are giddy. Their wedding date has just been announced and they are truly in love. They can't wait to start their married life together and are cherishing every moment of this planning phase. Their families are involved as well and are supporting them every step of the way. They both are employed and starting their lives together financially secure to boot. Do you know them? Were you them?
It seems like the majority of engaged and newlywed couples fit some semblance of this profile. Yet, if we are starting off on such good footing, then why do 40 - 50% of all first marriages end in divorce and subsequent marriages at an even higher rate? (ref: American Psychological Association)
There are the obvious reasons for divorce that are on the far end of the scale such as cheating, abuse or endangerment. But, more frequently, there are some underlying everyday issues that are not-so-apparent contributors. However, this does not mean that your wedded bliss is doomed; actually far from it.
The first thing in creating an environment of continued success in marriage is being proactive vs. reactive. This means learning how to have an argument. Note that I DID NOT suggest avoiding or placating away an argument, I suggest working with your partner in understanding how he/she communicates, and setting up a system that works for you in uncomfortable situations. Let's face it, ignoring the elephant in the room never works long term, so preparing for the inevitable makes sense.
The "how did they fail" is important as it is reported that 65% of failed marriages cite communication issues followed by the inability to resolve conflict at 43% (ref: Huffington Post, November, 2013). Both of these issues center around skills needed to effectively express what our needs, wants and desires are and also to turn that around and really hear from our partner's perspectives.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it? The stats prove otherwise and show the real need to head off the issues before they get a hold in the relationship. The communication models you set up now will either form a basis for success or potential heartache down the road. Why shouldn't we choose success?
Our communication skills, much like a lot of ourselves, are open to a constant state of change and growth. Some spouses believe that societal expectations dictate that they fit into a "marriage mold" where the wife is more of a silent partner and the husband rules the roost. Or both spouses want to be happy at all costs, and therefore, think it makes sense to table the awkward conversations, leaving unresolved issues. Or maybe one spouse finds themselves trying to be understanding and not wanting to upset the other so they keep their opinions under wrap. These are all examples of potentially hindering models that promote a lack of real communication skills and therefore, set up relationships for hard times ahead. A truly open dialogue is imperative for success in feeling heard by both partners.
So this begs the next question of "I think I communicate well, but how do I know if I really am?" This is one of those situations that the answers shouldn't be left to time to figure out. That will usually have either Karen or Leon in my office looking for help years from now. Preparing for marriage is far more than setting up a wedding. It means committing to working on fun growth activities now rather than painful counseling sessions later.
Did I say fun? Yes, yes I did. The exercises that you will learn in pre-marital sessions are designed to give you real-life examples of situations that you may and probably will face during your marriage.
You will learn how to listen even if you are frustrated, how to speak without hurting, how to talk about family and how to accept differing opinions and move on with your relationship not only in tact, but with a strengthening earned from emotional growth...and you can still laugh and enjoy your giddy marriage prep too!
Next week...examples of how this actually works.