Pre-Marital Coaching (Part 2)
When learning skills for effective communication between couples, there are a few questions that I ask each of the individuals to ask themselves before we even begin the skill training.
For example: Why is it important to be right?
Right off the bat, one or both people will say that is isn’t. It’s more important to be kind and a good listener. I ask them to describe what that looks like and the answer stays fairly close to the original response of being kind and attentive, etc.
From there I pose the question, “Do you believe you are right when you try to get your point across”? The answer is usually something affirmative.
Then I ask the opposite partner, “Do you believe your partner is right when they try to get their point across”?
They may answer, “Well, most of the time, yeah, but other times, not so much.”
It’s those other times that we are talking about here today. If one side of the equation believes they are right and the other questions that conviction, the seed for argument has been planted.
Now, for the sake of my typing skills, we will abbreviate the ensuing discussion about picking a topic and starting to have a discussion about it. The topic will be one that one of the partners believes in whole-heartedly and defends with facts. I ask the other partner to take the opposing stance and defend it equally. (the topic can be something completely innocuous as the skill is the important thing here, not the subject matter).
We work to the point of bringing the conversation to completion…wherever that goes. From there, we break apart the components, or as a highly skilled therapist I know says, “peel back the layers of the onion” and look at what skills were used and which ones need adjustment. Then we re-practice that same conversation using new skills and notice the changes that may occur and why.
Sounds simple, right? In a structured setting with a trained professional to monitor the tenor of the exchange, it can be very simple and easily understood. Real-life practice can certainly be harder.
Remember that in our day-to-day lives, we have many outside influences assaulting our senses each and every day. From co-workers to friends to relatives to church affiliations to social media, etc., the day can be an exhaustion of information sharing and skill use. Then one or both spouses come home to a house in disarray or the kids running wild or a call from the school, or a friend in need, etc. Or maybe, one partner just simply doesn’t feel like talking while the other really craves some attention.
Put yourself in that position for a moment. Any of them. Someone will be frustrated and will have to decide how to best handle the situation given their not-so-generous state of mind. This is NOT the time to try out a new method and expect success. Learning how to communicate effectively so that neither party is left feeling like the bus just ran over them is a practiced skill and one that conveys the depth of real love and respect that one spouse has for the other.
Sometimes all a situation requires is the knowledge that both parties are being heard. One that needs to connect and the other that needs to be alone for a bit. If there is the understanding that after a set amount of time, the conversation will reconvene, there is no loss of respect or any feeling of being unheard. If this can be AGREED upon BEFORE the difficult situation occurs, the tension of feeling unimportant is diffused and both parties can see each other in a place of empathy rather than disconnection.
While this one method works very well, it MUST be followed up with the resumption of the conversation at a mutually agreed upon time to reinforce the bond of patience and trust between the couple. Otherwise, one party can feel manipulated.
When the conversation reconvenes, the heat of the moment has since cooled and learned skills are now involved in the exchange.
Beginning the conversation with, “I really appreciate you and your understanding of me needing a bit of time to myself. Thank you for that and I want to listen completely to what you want to share with me” is a great start.
There are other skills that come into play as the dialogue goes on, but the hope is to end up where there is mutual understanding of each other’s place in the conversation. Notice, I DID NOT say that the party who is right should win. This model does not subject one spouse to the other person’s opinions. Ultimately, being right is in the mind of the beholder and is subject to its own discussion, but respecting our spouses, their opinions and honoring them even when we don’t agree with them is so much more important and will go miles longer in keeping your relationship on stable, happy ground.