Boundaries

Boundary (Merriam Webster) noun

bound·​ary | \ ˈbau̇n-d(ə-)rē  \

plural boundaries

Definition of boundary : something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

I am asked regularly about setting boundaries in a relationship and what that really means. Before I help set up new ones with a client and her partner, I ask her to define what boundaries existed before the relational betrayal or infidelity from addiction.

Not surprisingly, this question is usually met with more questions than answers as we tend not to think about boundaries in day to day life when things are going well.

Defining boundaries in every relationship in life is one of the primary tools for success. We tend to adopt cultural norms as “pre-set boundaries”, coming already packaged and ready for use. If it works for others, then why not for me too? Well, simply stated, because we are humans, and humans coming together in relationships are not coming together as the same person. We bring in our own sets of limits, expectations and triggers. It is only a benefit to the relationship to share these factors.

I have been asked if setting boundaries acts as a divider between the couple and isn’t it just better to swallow our frustrations and move on for the sake of the relationship. The answer isn’t an automatic yes or no, but a situational methodology. Let me explain…

When Carly married Simon, they both had an idea of how they envisioned the progression of their lives together. They would have kids, buy two cars, have a house in the burbs with a Fido. There was very little thought given to personal boundaries because the focus was on trying to build their couple-ship. 

Both Carly and Simon had irksome habits that bothered the other but in an effort to keep happy stability in their lives, they kept those little annoyances to themselves. This worked for them, and I agree that it was a good choice.

After a while, things started to feel different to Carly. Simon was more distant and what she could only describe as “disengaged” or aloof. He spent a lot more time on his cell phone and even when he was speaking with her it felt like a duty rather than engagement. This began to affect many different areas of their lives; awkward interactions that the children were privy to, less sex, less meaningful conversation, less marital dating and more frustration.

Since Carly and Simon had a set a paradigm that kept them from sharing bothersome thoughts about the other, as things became worse, the model they had set up for their relationship did not offer them the tools to break out of that cycle. Setting up boundaries at this point was not even an affable thought to either of them.

But hold on! Didn’t I just say a couple paragraphs before that their letting-the-little things-go plan was a good one? Yes, I did, and it was. However, the plan was missing some critical components.

With every good plan, there are alternate plans set up in case of trouble or if that primary plan fails to work situationally. Setting up boundaries (plans) for each partner in a relationship allows for discussion, argument and acceptance or resolution without lasting damage to the core. Learning what your triggers are in a relationship is an ongoing process. One day it might be the dirty socks left on the floor and another it might be finding out that there has been infidelity and everything in between. Learning to define those triggers, listing them on paper and looking at each one individually can bring them into the light where one can see how impactful they really are. If they are making a negative impact on the relationship above just being a casual annoyance, then change may be in order. Change requires us to know our boundaries and the consequences to ourselves and others when they are crossed.

It is only by recognizing them in the first place that we can prepare our tools for working through boundary crossing when it happens, and it happens in every relationship at one time or another.