Internet and Children

“As you read the following, know that this is only one relevant scenario. I write this in an effort to help stave off the problems before they occur and to aid those that may not even be aware that they are in process.”   ~ Christine

Over the past couple decades, the prevalence of information available on the internet has become astounding. While much of it is helpful and positive, there is an ever-increasingly-available dark side.  Many parents believe that parental controls activated on devices are enough to protect their offspring from the depravity that lies just around the next screen. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Pornographic, violent and disturbing images are rarely more than a click away and there are actual games that kids play to find them. Let me give you a real-life example shared by one of my clients…

A group of middle school kids regularly play games in a closed on-line group approved by their parents. No strangers can enter without approval and the parents feel secure in the setup. Over time, the kids are talking about “what else might be out there” (as kids do) and decide to challenge each other to find something “gross” to share with the group. It may start off as a dare to find a picture of something completely innocuous, but as many know, it’s all too easy to stumble on something very disturbing. Notice I said stumble.  Many times, it’s not that a child is looking for porn or graphic images, but they are readily available and the SEO (search engine optimization) components the dark websites use target many seemingly innocent phrases and words to target a larger audience.

So back to the game…Susie finds a naked picture of a person and shares it with the group; whether in person or text or online sharing, it gets to other kids. She wins that day. Now the kids must up the ante. Find something more “gross or weird.” Charlie then searches “sex” just to see what comes up. Remember those parental controls? Depending on how restrictive they are set, (teen is not enough to prevent this), there will be results. Or let’s say Charlie puts in “mating” or a plethora of other seemingly innocent phrases, the results will inevitably showcase opportunities to see sexually explicit or disturbing images. Fast forward, Charlie finds something, passes it on to the group and the game ramps up another notch, and so on.

For some of the kids, they will indeed be grossed out at some point, and will hopefully leave the game or deflect into something more positive. But there are those kids that are training their brains that the rush of endorphins they experience lead them to want more. This is a rough explanation of the process:

1.  The Search – the danger and the anticipation that you might find something taboo starts the brain’s excitement protocol.

2. The Find – experiencing the initial “shock and awe” either ends the process here as too disturbing or releases enough chemical into the excitement protocol leaving the brain wanting more.

3. The Share – anticipation increases during this phase wondering “How will my peers react?” and “will I win the game?” This sets up the endorphin release.

4. The Feedback – as the kids are affected by the image and respond accordingly, there is positive feedback given to the sender that he/she has done something good in fulfilling the game agenda; they have won. This sends a message to the brain that this system of action/reward is positive and makes me feel wanted, included and good. The brain wants more.

5. Stepping it Up – the process begins anew, and each time needs to be stepped up to reach the desired outcome.

Does this mean that every kid is going to get hooked in the cycle? Fortunately, the answer is no. There are many extenuating circumstances that play into why one person becomes hooked in the process and why another simply stops. A major point of worry is when a child stops sharing (obviously good for the group) and continues on their own in private. This builds shame and fear and allows the child to create a world of fantasy based on graphic images and negative impulses that can lead to addiction, self-loathing and counter-productive relational skills.

My goal here is not scare you, but if that is the result, it means I have your attention. So, what’s the answer in this world of curious children and the internet? Number one is parental involvement.  It is simply NOT enough to set parental controls on the internet, TV or gaming. We must be aware and engaged with our kids and have open and honest discussions about what boundaries mean. Especially, personal boundaries. Letting them know at every stage of their development that crowd following is always a temptation and inclusion is a very attractive option, but the results can lead them to a place that may hurt them. The younger ones are so much easier to monitor, and as they move into school, they MUST have ongoing ago-appropriate tools to build self- confidence and the support of you to help them make decisions with empathy, trust and relevant information.

Please do not fool yourself into thinking “not my child.” As you read in the example, none of these were bad kids; they started the process very innocently and were drawn into something out of their control. As parents, we need to adapt, educate and involve ourselves into the world our children live in to truly guide them into healthy adulthood.