Chronic Pain and Relationships
I had the honor of meeting with a group of Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) survivors this past weekend. They are a group of beautiful people struggling with unbelievable bouts of physical pain. We spoke about how that chronic pain paradigm extends into the personal relationships of each.
First, a brief explanation of TN. It is nicknamed, “The Suicide Disease (Condition)” as the related pain from it is classified as one of the worst known to mankind. It affects a facial nerve group known as the Trigeminal Nerve which correlates to the eyes, face, nose, mouth, cheek, chin, teeth and tongue. Those suffering with this debilitation condition are attacked with either sharp pains described as “lightning strikes” or extreme constant pain related to “hammer blows” to their faces; over and over and over. There are surgeries to alleviate some patient’s suffering, but many are not helped by these majorly invasive head/skull surgeries and are left in chronic debilitating pain.
I’m sure you know someone that suffers from chronic pain and my heart goes out to them as well as those with the horrific TN condition. Whether it’s TN or another chronic pain, the effects on the person and their loved ones are huge[AP1] .
My area of expertise is not that of a medical pain coach, but I found there to be an interesting relevance between those that experience pain and those that experience emotional trauma when it comes to their relationships. I’ll explain…
1. Pain creates fear. Fear of the pain lasting longer than the person can handle it or getting even worse over time. This leaves one with an extreme focus on methods to rid oneself of the pain. Emotional pain creates fear and is processed much the same way; hyper-focusing on ending the pain to the exclusion of all else.
2. The trauma effect of pain is the fear of it coming back. Emotional pain (remember I am talking about traumatic emotional pain) can also leave a tick on that scale as well. It is what causes many to become “stuck” long after the active pain has ended.
3. Connecting to those around us can change from the experience. Pain is a nasty beast. It can catapult a being into a state of feeling alone and the perception that those around us are not understanding or don’t really care. It’s an effective emotional barrier.
4. Chronic pain tells us that our bodies cannot be trusted to perform as we believed they would. Emotional trauma tells us that those that have hurt us cannot be trusted in much the same way. It creates distance to keep us safe moving forward.
Emotional distance whether the catalyst is chronic pain, emotional trauma, infidelity, addiction, or myriad other situations carries the same features of robbing us of relational intimacy. Maybe that looks like non-existent dating or ceasing attendance at social occasions or eating dinner alone night after night. Maybe the couple spends lots of time in front of the TV silently watching as it is too painful to speak (either physically or emotionally). In any case, the effect is the same. The relationship changes and at least one person in the couple has a really hard time knowing how to “fix” the situation. Intimacy in daily life takes a much lower priority and the distance is widened.
My approach in these situations is relatively the same. First, determine what the underlying cause of the “pain” is, then ask the couple if they are willing to reprioritize their relationship to give it the necessary attention it absolutely needs. This probably sounds like such a simple question to answer, but let me assure you it is not. The automatic safety mechanisms put in place for either physical or emotional trauma survivors are hard core and have served a valuable purpose for that person. They have become accustomed to those mechanisms being an integral part of their daily lives, sometimes to the exclusion of their spouses and family members.
As a partner to a chronic pain survivor, there are methods in which you can better relate to your loved one, learn the right questions to ask, learn how to express your needs and learn how to gradually reconnect on an intimate level both emotional and otherwise. Your education of their condition is great, but is only one part of the equation. Knowing how to relate so that both sides feel heard, respected and validated is crucial to healing the relationship.
As the person in pain, there are methods for you to practice to build back that trust, communicate to your caring loved ones on a more intimate basis and feel more connected through the good times and the really bad days as well.
Patience in the process is key and baby steps should be expected. Much will change in a relationship with a traumatic interloper. That change does not have to be all about loss. It can be about new dynamics and new approaches as well. You do not have to be alone in your pain.