Isolating - The Good & The Bad

There are many feelings we experience as humans in the aftermath of traumatic events. Feelings are designed by nature to allow us to acknowledge, express and heal so that we can move through an experience rather than become stuck within it.

Let’s look at one of the most common feelings that spans every eventful trauma, and that is isolation (both a feeling and a physical state). For our purposes, I’ll address it as it relates to relationships between married partners and betrayal. Please note that I don’t assume infidelity in betrayal (although it may be relevant), but betrayal of the marriage in some form including disengaging from intimacy and connection.

Once we become “aware” of the loss in our relationship, there are processes activated in the psyche that cause spiritual, emotional and physical reactions.  The following are a couple of examples of common precursors to isolating. Note that the genders can be switched as it affects both.

Denise has been married for 18 years and has recently allowed herself to be aware of a lack of connection with her husband and how unhappy she feels. She’s ashamed because looking back she sees how long she has chosen to live like this and how it has affected her and her family.  She brings it up but her husband is challenging her by saying, “What changed all of a sudden? I didn’t do anything different; it must be something wrong with you.” She tries to make sense of it but feels lost and guilty though she really doesn’t know why.

Lois has recently discovered that her husband Tom has been having an affair. He swears it was only once, but after digging, she finds evidence that this has been going on for a long time and with potentially more than one person. She is devastated, scared, is feeling shameful and like her world just upended. She is lost and doesn’t know where to turn for help or who to confide in.

These examples and hundreds more of varying degrees show us that a common denominator is feeling lost, shameful (even if we don’t know why) and trying to figure out “what next”.

Next comes the self-reasoning regarding what to do with this traumatic information. “Do I tell my friends and family? Will they judge him? Will they blame me? Will people think I am ‘less than’? What if they talk behind my back and my kids find out? What if he/she leaves me?” These questions try to find sense in what happened and to figure out how to best control the chaos.

Now we go back to isolation, which at this point might make a lot of sense. Taking some time alone to think this through privately before sharing with anyone else. This is a completely VALID thing to do and is a good method in which to self-calm and try to look at the picture as-a-whole before moving into action or blurting out things that you later would like to take back. In a period of short-term isolation, the mind, body and spirit are given a chance to work through the shock of the realization that there is something seriously wrong in the relationship. You can begin the process of grieving the loss of what you thought the relationship was and you can take steps to decide on how you want to proceed with your own healing. Therapy, telling friends and family, scheduling a talk with a pastor or spiritual leader, etc. can be decided without outside input.  For some this beginning phase can help to settle the initial disjointed feelings and honor the gentle approach to moving forward. 

However, just as short-term isolation can be helpful, long-term isolation can be destructive and inhibit the healing paradigm. For instance, within the isolation process we can tell ourselves almost anything including lies. “Maybe I’m not enough; I’m really not any fun, so why would someone want to be with me; I must be stupid for not seeing this before; I hate myself for putting up with this (behavior).” When we are feeling vulnerable and cannot make sense of what has happened, we are more accepting of this negativity as it seems like there isn’t any other viable answer. At this point we are only looking at this one-dimensionally. An outside perspective (one that you trust to confide in) can offer a more realistic look at the picture and may be just what you need to overcome the fear and “stuckness” that isolation has presented. Remember there are two sides (or more) to every story, but if you isolate, you can only see one.

So, do we have to tell our friends, family, kids and the world to feel better and move ahead? Absolutely not. The healthy approach in a traumatic recovery process is to make decisions to better aid your recovery and honor your feelings and state of being. First, take a breath. Nothing is going to change today and if you do nothing for a moment but honor the tremendous shock you are in, that’s okay. 

Next, get a professionally certified coach experienced in trauma recovery, addiction, relational issues, intimacy anorexia, etc. This person will be your advocate and mentor between visits to your counselor, or your primary contact for recovery. This person will also walk you through the every-day triggers and upsets that will happen during your recovery and be there for you in a way a counselor simply cannot. A Life Coach is not enough. Please be sure to check certifications, pre-interview and ask what they can do for you. (see coaching FAQ’s on this site)

Next, find a qualified therapist to delve into the hurt you have experienced and any related personal history. Someone whose perspective is outside of the circumstance, family or friendship. Speak with someone who understands the intricacies of relational trauma regarding your specific circumstances. Please interview your counselors before making an appointment. I have great respect and regard for counselors in this field, however many are specialized and will not necessarily meet your set of needs. Those professionals that I work with welcome preliminary questions to save everyone unwarranted time and dollar expense. Also, be willing to change therapists if after a while you don’t feel as though you are really being helped. It is no one’s failing, but simply an area of expertise requirements.

Join a recovery group. I can’t overemphasize how much growth women have experienced in this facet of healing all on its own. The efficacy and value of sharing your story and working through different issues with like-experienced people is mind-blowing. And as far as shame is concerned, there is no better place to realize that you are not alone and that the shame is not yours to carry. Please be sure to ask questions beforehand of the leader. “Is it led by a professional? What are the goals? Is there confidentiality and how is it maintained? What is my expected commitment? Is it more of a complaint session or are we actually working on forward movement?”

Long-term isolation, even though it may feel comfortable, is not your friend. Jump into healing at any point. Whether you are new to relationship troubles or have been living with them unhappily for years or even decades, it’s never too late. Choose to move yourself from the loneliness, insecurity and anxiety of a painfully unfulfilled relationship into a healthier, happier and more stable you.